Because
by The Silver Feathered Raven
Summary: Because he was thirteen. Because he's human. Because it was the first time he ever killed.


**Because**

by

The Silver Feathered Raven

_What…_

_What did I…_

It happened in a flash. A rustling in the bushes, cracking of sticks as they were broken, and then there was something coming at him. Something hit him across the cheek, sending droplets of blood flying through the air. He was knocked backward by the force of the attack, falling ungracefully to the ground.

He rolled. Twisted his body to the side to evade whoever—or whatever—it was that was trying to attack him. Dirt, trees, sky, trees, dirt, an endless cycle as he rolled, then his hands came out from under him and he propped himself up, his head spinning. He reached to his hip, reached for his revolver—

It hit him again, and this time he thought that he heard words. He wasn't even sure what they were; just a wordless howl. It tore at the sutra, where it rested upon his shoulders; thankfully, the rolling hadn't disturbed _that_.

The gun was out, aimed upward. His finger tightened on the trigger and his eyes closed involuntarily as the shot rang out through the forest and the revolver rebounded, jarring his hand.

Then it was over. He opened his eyes, breathing hard.

_What was that?_

He was disoriented at first, the gun still held in his hand and he aimed out into the woods, moving almost wildly as he rose unsteadily to his feet.

_What just—?_

There was nothing there and he dropped his hand, letting the gun dangle from it. Then he looked to his feet and froze, a chill growing in his chest.

_Did I just--?_

At his feet lay a body. He didn't know why he hadn't expected that; after all, he _had_ shot at someone. But he just…it was just…

It was a youkai, and youkai had killed his master. So he should feel…

He sank to his knees, reaching out tentatively, almost as though he were frightened. He reached out and turned the head, seeing the elongated ear. The eyes were closed, and if it weren't for the blood, it could have been sleeping…

Except…except there was no breath in the body, and the jaw was…

There was a red spot under the jaw, where the bullet had entered. Blood ran freely, coating the clothing that it wore a vivid crimson. There was no exit wound, none at all. The bullet must not have gone completely through.

His fingers were coated red from where he had touched its skin.

He sat back, his stomach flipping over and over inside of him. It wasn't…it…it was a man. Much older than he was, maybe in his early twenties, if he had to guess. A male youkai, dressed in very simple clothing. The clothing of the working class. Tattered cuffs on his shirt, worn shoes on his feet.

_What did I just—?_

He drew in a shaking breath. He didn't know why he felt so cold. After all, youkai just like this…this man…had killed his master.

He reached out again, his other hand letting the revolver drop to the ground. He touched the man's head, feeling how the heat was quickly leaving the body. Soon the body would seize up, grow cold and stiff, rot in this place in the middle of a forest.

He jerked away, his breath harsher than he wanted it to be. He had just…had he just…just _killed_ someone?

When he had left the temple, just months ago, they had given him the gun. They had told him that he would need to use it to defend himself; after all, he was just a thirteen year old boy, and he was traveling by himself.

He'd known he would eventually have to kill someone. It just…the first time, it…

He didn't want to run, didn't want to run away, but he found himself scrabbling to pick up the gun, then found himself running from the corpse, tripping over roots and branches.

Eventually he just lay there, sprawled on the forest floor, sweat dripping down his face.

_What did I just do? Did I just kill someone? Did that…did that…_

_Did that really happen?_

It frightened him. No matter what had happened, killing someone…hurt. He supposed that was what he was feeling. Almost like he couldn't breath, his throat closing up and choking him.

He was barely aware that he was shaking. Barely aware of how long he lay there.

He'd thought that most of his emotions, most of his feelings, had died when his master had. But this was new. There was something inside him, some new feeling.

There was shock, and fear, and…happiness.

A small smile grew on his face, almost a sneer. Then he closed his eyes and started…laughing.

_Served him right. Served that damn youkai right._

He was so confused, so terrified, so shaken, that he just started laughing. But he had, in a sort of twisted way, just avenged his master. At least in part. It didn't matter to him that the youkai had had nothing to do with the killing of his master.

It was a youkai, and he needed some reason to tell himself that he had done the right thing.

_I was defending myself. And it was for…for my master._

If he told himself that, then it was all right.

He finally stopped laughing, the smile dying. He felt so empty, as though something had died right there, when that youkai had.

Humanity? Is that what had died? Years later, he would look back at that moment, the first time that he ever killed, and wonder if that was really what had changed him.

It takes a lot to kill, and maybe it took too much out of a little thirteen year old boy who knew so little of life, but had already begun to throw his away.

**End**


End file.
